I want to feel new

I want to feel new

I got to hang out with a fellow journalist today, Vilde, at her office.

We work in the same building, but I rarely have a reason to drop by her publication. Today however, I was making a TV-story about local journalism. So here we are:

000-ksenia-41767621_238854310129627_4441174429501751296_N_1

Vilde is a couple years younger than me, recently done with her studies and full of journalistic vigor. She seems happy landing her first full time job and motivated to work her hardest. I remember that feeling, and honestly: I’m a little jealous.

I miss the thrill of being recently employed and seeing the world as full of opportunities. All I’m left with now is that burning desire to excel, without seeing any way to do so.

I’ve even talked to a therapist about this.

For the record: I’ve never talked to a therapist before. Now I have. And she asked me to make a plan, like a calendar with dates, on how I plan to find my inner motivation in order to love my job again. I have recruited Vilde to brainstorm with me on this matter today.

I would like to recruit you who reads this, too! Please answer: How do you feel about your work? (If you don’t mind sharing, what do you do for a living?) What motivates you to do your best? What triggers happiness inside you during working hours? Do you ever hate your job? What gives you this feeling, and how do you deal?

I do realize that this is a so called First World Problem.

People get jobs for money, not pleasure.

Having a job should be pleasant enough.

Creeping in broad nightlight

Creeping in broad nightlight

Maaan, I hate working evenings. It should be enjoyable. But it’s lonely, and I don’t get enough sleep. After finishing work around 11 PM, I spend hours watching Netflix, playing Sims 4 and (on good nights) reading books. Sometimes I annoy myself purple reading comment sections online, and I once found myself in a vertigo of belly dancing videos on Youtube.

Then I go to bed when other people get up, and hate life when I wake up in the afternoon, after slumbering my phone alarm for ever – not feeling rested.

I used to think I’m a B-person. Turns out I just love sleeping more than waking up early.

Tonight, I decided to have a walk under the midnight sun. The grey weather of the last weeks kind of made me forget the magic of living up north.

I enjoyed the bright night with my camera (Sony A7III), feeling kind of sneaky while photographing the houses in the neighborhood. If anyone saw me, they might have assumed I was planning a robbery. But all was quiet.

Lapland holidays

Lapland holidays

When you’re living in the great north, country boundaries aren’t that big of a deal as in more populated areas. No matter if you live in the northern Norway, Finland, Sweden or Russia – you live behind the wall (you get it, if you’ve seen GOT). People up north share a lot of traditions and struggles, and there is a lot of border crossing going on. Which is why I didn’t think of going to Finnish Saariselkä yesterday as a big deal.

I didn’t take a single photo.

Whyyy,  Ksenia?

._.

Saariselkä with it’s 350 inhabitants was pretty much as expected: Quiet, empty and moody. The rain was poring down most of the day with no sight of the midnight sun. The Acho-shop was closed.

Midsummer’s Day is a Holiday in Finland. So after a delicious dinner at the hotel, we found the only open bar “downtown”. Germany beat Sweden 2-1 in the World Cup, as we were drinking fresh blueberry shots with cream while kind of watching the game.

I really wish I had some proper photos to share from this trip (not counting the selfies or snaps on my iphone).

Recommendation: If you go to Finland you MUST drink Minttu Cacao with cream! It’s delicious.

Other things you probably should do in Finland – not in the midnight sun season, though ^^

Lapland, Visit Finland

Hello there, blog

Hello there, blog

Well.

It seems I’m starting yet another post with complains about how I don’t update you often enough. I’m pretty sure nobody in the whole world cares about why you have not been getting any new content for a while. Which is why this post is dedicated specifically to you, my outdated online journal.

What’s the point of having a blog in 2018 anyways?

You were created to be the place where I could showcase my photography and write about the stuff that matter. Now, all half decent pics go to Instagram, while I write about the “important stuff” as I my job. Which makes me want to forget everything about the existence of “important stuff” when my shift is done.

Perhaps it’s time to realize that my days of blogging are over? I want to lock the box.

Yet it feels like I would also be locking up my window to the internet world, the one outside the feeds and echo chambers of the social media where the people I know post their amazing vacation life and puppies. It’s through WordPress (and some odd forums) I have chatted with random people all over the world, read their everyday stories and thoughts, and felt that I’m a part of a global internet community. It looks like Facebook groups are the right place to seek that feeling now.

So what now, blog. Is it over for us?

As I write it, I realize that the surest way for me to keep up with an activity must be to determine that “I’m never doing that again”.

Stop entertaining the dream that one day I’ll become a real blogger who shares her thoughts and images on an everyday basis, making people laugh and cry and understand what life is all about? Never! (So what if my mom (and maybe my ex) are my steadiest followers?)

Even if my sketchy dream above doesn’t come true, at least I’ll have a random collection of online memories to flip through on hangover days. So we’re not doing the farewell scene after all, blog. In fact, I promise to never write the “Ops, it’s been a while…” speech again  I will never work out ever again! No guilt! I will just not do it!!!

So I’ll jut go on rambling about nothing now and then, maybe share some photos from my last vacation some day. I bet you are looking forward to that!

– and maybe I’ll find a new blogger friend to exchange RAWs or do photo challenges with? 

Kenya 2018

The promised vacation pic.

What is Human Design?

What is Human Design?

– Did you see the devil in the corner?

My heart froze for a second before I realized Nina was asking about the plush doll she had placed above the curtain rails. I thought the kitty was cute and noticed how it looked kind of homemade when I first saw it. Now all I see is horns.

0000000--DSC00051.JPG

Ah, roomies and the devils they bring along…

Continue reading “What is Human Design?”

The curse of a small town

The curse of a small town

Everyone sees everything.

You will know what I’m talking about if your town has one street, one shopping centre, one pub, one club, one… well, only one option for pretty much everything. And if you have an ex – then you will get the dangers of leaving your house.

You can have a normal day until you see your ex’s car (which there is only one of around here) drive up to the parking lot in front of the mall, with a female passenger who reaches to his shoulder when he hugs her on the way in.

You might stay inside on a Saturday night, but your friends will not. And they will tell how intimately he danced with her, before sending you a message in the early morning hours, asking if you are awake. I was not awake, fortunately.

So I didn’t blog yesterday. It took me approximately one minute to find The New Girl on Facebook and become utterly depressed. She’s gorgeous. I tried drowning my sorrows in ice cream and watched Netflix.

green barbie
Is it stalking if it only takes one minute?

Today, I’m trying to focus on how I’m doing quite fine in the moment, and not stress about the mistakes of the past, the future or other people. I’m trying to focus on me… I want to do something nice for myself.

I’m washing my clothes and cleaning my room. Again >_<

Maybe you have some good advice for me, Great Internet. What can I do to feel better?

(PS: Nobody must see me.)

Eager. And not so much.

Eager. And not so much.

Back to the blog, eh?

Ready to spread my wonderful images and thoughts on the Internet. Or am I?

I’ve been inactive for so long that even uploading a photo seems like a huge task. And writing something is simply too hard.

I shot this photo of these two huskies last month. They are getting ready to race Bergebyløpet (article in Norwegian with my photos). Well, the one who is barking is ready, the one who looks surprised is like me, I guess: Not sure what’s going on or what to feel about it.

My colleague says he wants to print this photo and hang it on a wall. That makes me happy, it gives me hope that not everything I capture and create is crap, even though it often feels that way. That exact feeling makes blogging again difficult too. What do I share with an audience when all I have is cr… -less than great?

Is this winter blues? I look out my window and white is all I see…

End of depressing rant.

Thank you for reading.

Have a lovely Saturday night.